SHE IS / I AM Erratic, sporadic, borderline, dramatic. Makes obscure
references and inside jokes. Quotes when she feels like it, often
randomly. An attraction to all things dark and dangerous. Enough sense
to keep them at armslength. Full of bad poetry and a twittering romantic. A perchance
to dream.
OUT OF LIVES Second
edition of lapislazuli. Previously known as singing stones. Names are
subject to change on a whim.
like a bird on a wire,
like a drunk in the midnight choir,
I have tried, in my own way,
to be free
Sunday, March 2, 2003
"We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say, and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don't say. And yet, because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted."
...they hummed at 04:35 p.m.
Monday, February 3, 2003
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it." -- Reaper Man, Terry Pratchett
...they hummed at 01:07 p.m.
Saturday, January 25, 2003
She's just a good Catholic girl
They say she
Fell in love with a boy in blue eyeliner
Standing underneath the stained glass windows
Playing a guitar for the flowers on the hill
Coming round each time with a boxful of letters
He was poetry and death-scented candles
She was crazy for the ink spilt on his back
And the silver of his hair
It's like drowning, it's like addiction
His words are pulling her in deeper
She knows how it will end but she wants the summer to last
One goodbye kiss
And a note written in the blood of bitten-off fingernails
She cried
Caught a disease, tasted his poison
Now she's sharing in the madness he left behind
Why?
(Should have known better than to fall for a boy like that.)
...they hummed at 20:32 p.m.
Saturday, January 11, 2003
I would have smashed all the mirrors in the house with my bare hands and written my name over the walls while I bled if you gave me the chance.
It seems like the only way I could make you notice me.
...they hummed at 11:24 a.m.
Tuesday, December 31, 2002
Sun bleached bone and river bed stones all worn smooth by time and tide. The deerskin pounch lies undone in her lap, its contents spilled out on the grass. She has a feather in her hair and the forest shadows in her eyes and around her the dead things are coming back to life. Winter is finally passing.
...they hummed at 10:21 a.m.
Sunday, December 22, 2002
I woke up to rain
Spilling out, pouring down
Swiped a finger across the open sky
To taste the clouds
Lightning
Like your touch
Shakes my nerves
Thunder
Like your voice
Shakes my insides
If it wasn't for the weather
I wouldn't have remembered
It would have been all for the better, now.
Could have sworn I heard a sound
Echoing off cold facades
Buildings grand and buildings tall
Eventually, they all must fall
And who will catch me then?
And who will catch me now?
Lightning
Like your touch
Shakes my nerves
Thunder
Like your voice
Shakes my insides
If it wasn't for the weather
I wouldn't have remembered
It would have been all for the better, now.
I would have been all better now.
- Lightning Before Thunder, Alexiel
...they hummed at 08:18 p.m.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Eyes wide open, feeling the rush of air and water parting as you submerge yourself between armstrokes.
Suspended right there - in the space of threehearts, the world hovers as I hold my breath and listen, everything at once quiet and amplified.
I stop thinking.
And I come back up and the moment breaks in a hundred little bubbles like the surface of the otherwise-still pool.
...they hummed at 07:07 p.m.
Saturday, December 14, 2002
"Falling from heaven is not as painful as surviving the impact."
...they hummed at 10:36 a.m.
Thursday, December 12, 2002
I dreamt.
...And the cherry blossom petals drift down, catching in his hair. I ask why the sakura are in bloom in December. He turns, and smiles, the way he used to when he caught my eyes across the room so long ago. A flower lands in his outstretched hand, and he crushes it in a tight fist. When his fingers uncurl, the flower is no longer a flower, but a bright, pulsing heart. With each spasm, blood oozes out of its sides and runs down his arm, - drip, drip, drip.
"Do you want it back?" he coos.
Feeling my chest, my hand comes away slick and warm. I look down, and there is gaping hole where my heart should be.
I woke up with his smirk behind my eyelids and for one frantic moment when I felt for my heartbeat, I thought I couldn't feel a thing.
YOU WOULD ASPHYXIATE YOURSELF. you're smart enough to realize that death
isn't something to be toyed with, but you
still have the occasional suicidal impluse
or desire. you are extremely cautious
where it comes to self-mutilation, self-abuse,
and substance abuse. if you were going to
commit suicide, you'd want it to be as
painless as possible.
Give me some credit, I'm not as far gone as you all think.
...they hummed at 06:41 p.m.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Sipping hot green tea after a swim, hair still damp from the long shower and listening to a song about parting and the sea. I think I'm beginning to grow rather vain. What with leaving my hair long and filing instead of cutting my nails and all. I used to trim away the white showing - short and practical for typing and drawing. Now I've left a tiny curve of it untouched. It feels strange. I keep looking at them to make sure they're clean. I don't know how people with nails past their fingertips manage. You'd have to careful not to scratch yourself. Troublesome, really.
Yesterday Hui Qi caught me admiring my nails during reherals (they were lilac before I took the polish off this morning) angling them this way and that. She must have thought me quite mad. I explained that I was looking at the shine of the polish in the light. It's fasinating, in a there's-nothing-else-to-do way. She shook her head and looked away.
I'm thinking of getting that nail buffer from The Body Shop that Eric was talking about. You know, just for fun. You're only young once.
...they hummed at 06:14 p.m.
Monday, December 9, 2002
i'm going to find that dreamcatcher and hang it up tonight.
He tells me with casual ease, that he loves this forsaken world, as he pulls back the safety of his gun. He says he loves me and he loves the sinners all the same. Because we're no different. Somewhere there is a god, and he is watching all this, and yet, he does nothing to intervene. Spin the chamber, hear it click into place. He smiles down the barrel. Wait for me, liebechen, I'll meet you there soon.
...they hummed at 08:51 p.m.
Friday, December 6, 2002
The world wends weary on its way
The haze hangs heavy on the sea
If only there would come a time
When you would not turn from me
-- A Gathering of Gargoyles, Meredith Ann Pierce
...they hummed at 11:02 p.m.
Friday, December 6, 2002
She gave me a dark blue dress, three new shirts and an orange sweater. I feel like a little girl all over again.
